drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
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just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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