Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
