your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
