it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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