I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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