you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
