Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Did I show you my penis last night?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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