Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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