I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
