he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
