I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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