I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
