I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
