Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
