There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
