I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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