Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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