I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
