Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
