I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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