Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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