I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Randomize
