Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
