My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
