she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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