Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
