So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
