You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
