Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
