we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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