remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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