drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
