This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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