This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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