Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
