I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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