last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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