I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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