Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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