What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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