i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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