I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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