she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
