Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
