I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
