how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
