I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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