Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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