Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
