did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
