also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
why do cheetos always look like penises
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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