Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
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Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
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So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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