I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
