We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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