drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
