Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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