Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
