who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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