Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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