Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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